Addiction to Blame

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn’t know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn’t get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn’t seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, “I’m such a jerk,” and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, “Things will never get any better,” or “I’m just a loser,” or “I’m a big disappointment to myself.” He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself. He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others’ judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it “right.” He realized this wasn’t true by an experience he had playing tennis.

“I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I’ve been doing it my while life. How do I stop?”

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?” Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I’m telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I’ve made up?” Then ask yourself, “What am I trying to control by telling myself this?”

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, “What is the truth?” When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

A Fear And Phobia Of The Future

My name is Steve Hill from England. In this article I am going to explain about how I have managed to turn my life around from one which was constantly living in fear, to one where I now look forward to the future. I hope this proves to be interesting and beneficial to anyone who reads it.

I was always the type of person who would be constantly worrying about many different aspects of life and who was seemingly always stressed. I could not find a way to break through from this vicious cycle and at many a time I wondered whether it was worth living at all. I have to admit that on many occasions I have gone to bed hoping that I would die in my sleep and therefore would not wake up.

I am virtually sure that I am not the only one who lives life in this way. What I decided to do was to try to work out what exactly was causing my anxiety and stress. 

It was about being honest with myself. There have been many a night where I have been unable to get to sleep all night, basically I had too many worries circling through my mind. This meant that I could not relax and therefore could not sleep.

By thinking clearly, I realised that I had a fear of the future. I am someone who talks to myself quite a lot, a bit strange I know. I would often be asking myself a number of questions:

What will happen if I lose my job?

How will I cope if my girlfriend leaves me?

I have a wedding to attend next week, what if I make a fool of myself in front of my friends and family?

I am going on holiday in three months time, how will I cope if there are any problems with the plane etc?

How am I going to afford to buy my first house?

How will I cope when my parents die?

These are just a few of many questions that I used to ask myself.

I decided to discuss the way I was living my life and my fears to my parents. They gave me some superb advice. They stated that life is too short to be constantly living in fear and that worrying only makes things worse. I basically had to try my best every day and that is all anybody could expect from me. They told me to think in a more positive way and to concentrate on all of the good things that I had in my life. There will no doubt be challenges ahead but you need to deal with them when they arise.

I have taken on board there advice even though it has not been easy. My life is now so much better and when a fear comes into my head I just bat it away.

12 Ways To Maximize Time And Life

My business experience has taught me one true thing: That maximizing your productivity, happiness, peace, or impact can best be accomplished if you clearly understand the 12 Rules of Time. 

1. Have goals 

Being more efficient with your time is irrelevant if you don't know how you want to spend it. In managing time, the compass is more important than the clock. Know where you want to go and spend your time on the things that get you there. 

Many people spend energy trying to be more efficient without first doing what's important: setting goals. It's like being lost on your way to a new city. Driving faster doesn't help if you are going in the wrong direction. Figure out what direction to go in and head that way. 

Once you've prepared it, your list of goals will reveal what is important to you. 

2. Analyze how you spend your time 

It is always good to know how you're spending your time right now. You can track this by setting a timer to go off every 15 minutes; whenever it sounds, write down exactly what you are doing. Alternatively, divide your day into 15-minute blocks and record each activity you do. 

Once you have your time logs, examine them. How do they compare to your goals? Are you spending time where your priorities are? 

3. Keep a to-do list 

This sounds too simple, but it really is the basis of all time-management systems. Your to-do list can be electronic, on fancy paper, bound in a notebook or loose-leaf. The key is to have everything you want to accomplish on one list. My to-do list might have a one-line item on it, such as "write annual report," which refers me to a much larger file or even a file box on that item. 

4. Prioritize your list 

Once you have the list, determine which are the important items. Mark these with a highlighter, a red pen, or in any other way that makes them stand out. 

I sometimes find my to-do list is too big. Every item on the list calls out "pay attention to me!", even though most of them weren't highlighted as important. In these cases, I take a blank sheet of paper and cover my to-do list and write down only the three or four most important items. Those are the ones to focus on. 

5. Control procrastination 

I use a number of tricks to break any lingering tendencies to procrastinate. For instance, I happen to like having a hard copy of my digital to-do list. I reprint it every few days as new items are added and completed ones dropped. It is at these times that I look for the items that I've marked as high priority, but which are just not getting done. 

People often say I have great self-control. In truth, though, much of it is environment control. I control my environment to eliminate things that I might use to procrastinate. Take games off your computer, for example, sell your TV, and get rid of the busywork jobs that you use to avoid the important tasks. 

I have developed one effective habit that has helped break me of procrastination: "Do the worst thing first." At the beginning of every day, I do the one task that is causing me the most stress, and that I haven't been getting done. Sometimes I just give it a quarter of an hour — based on the theory that I can stand just about anything for 15 minutes. Frequently it is this short thrust that breaks me through. 

If I still find myself procrastinating, I review my reasons for setting a goal. To create extra motivation to complete a task, I strengthen the reasons why it should be done. Similarly, many people reward themselves for completing a job. 

6. Organize 

Organization and time management are linked. I find that I get important things done when I have all the tools I need to perform the job. 

The opposite of organization — chaos, clutter, disorganization — generally leads to busy work. If your desk is piled high, every piece of paper says "look at me." You can end up doing a lot of work without ever getting to the important stuff. 

7. Delegate 

One way to expand your time is to get others to help you with it. The key to delegation is to hand off any tasks that someone else can do significantly faster or more easily than you can. 

If you're protesting that you don't have anyone working directly for you to whom you can delegate tasks, no problem. Consider delegating to a peer, a superior, a supplier, or even a customer. Treat delegation like networking: who in your network would be best for the job? 

In some cases you will need to invest up-front to train someone so he or she can take over a task from you. The long-term savings are usually worth the up-front time and costs. 

After delegation, remember to thank appropriately. You might think people would resent being delegated to, but exactly the opposite is true. People like to be asked, especially if it is to do something that they're good at. 

8. Master efficiency tricks 

The best trick I have found is "The Power of While." What can you do while you drive? While you walk? While you clean? While you watch TV? I am a huge audio tape advocate and frequently listen to tapes while I am doing something else. 

Being a techno person, I love all the organization software out there that allows me to keep my contacts, to-do lists and appointments. I also use gadgets such as cellphones, wireless e-mail, and personal digital assistants. Good use of technology can save you valuable time. 

9. It's OK to say no 

Saying "No" can be the most powerful time tool you can master. When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself how important this is. Does it help you achieve your goals? Is this a task you would be better at than most people? Don't always look for reasons to get out of things, but be strategic about what you take on. 

This doesn't mean that I always say no when asked to help out. But if I do say no, I am always polite and tactful, and try to suggest someone else who would do the job well. 

10. Focus 

Committing 100% focus and concentration on one task at a time can be very powerful. Eliminate distractions. Focus on the task. When you're properly organized and prepared, when your energy and power are high, you can often complete a task in 20% of the time it would take when you're distracted or open to interruption. 

11. Build your efficiency bank 

High efficiency is not possible if you don't look after yourself. Eat right, exercise, sleep well and drink moderately. Mom knew best: all the things she said were good for you just happen to be best for your efficiency, too. 

I also believe meditation can be a great way of building your efficiency. It could be transcendental meditation, Zen, or just finding a way to get into a relaxed state that lets you focus on the task you have to do. No matter how you do it, recharging your batteries gives you the power to do more during the times you need to be at your best. 

12. Take care of yourself 

It isn't possible to be "on" all the time. Take the time you need to look after yourself — body and soul — so that you can reach peak efficiency when you need to. Have a list of things you like to do. Find out what activities energize you, and spend more time doing them. This will give you the power and energy to be more productive when you return to work. 

Finally, a word of advice. If after reading this far you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, I suggest you go back to Rule 1 and add peace (contentment) to your list of goals. Time management is not about adding stress; it is about giving you the time to be the person you really want to be.